Hello from Helsinki


Tip, tap, click of the heels, top of the morning to YA!

Fyi, this really has nothing to do with Helsinki, nothing.

It’s Monday morning, good time to rethink your life and tell your boss what you really think of your job. Ok, wake up and get to work, get that coffee in ya, will ya, sailor? I am talking total rubbish and my mind is massacred or is it mangled or is it both? A classy lady from Estonia gave me a free brunch pass, talk about a grade A lass!

Slept like a baby last night in that suite again, thank you ladies from Germany for making my trip on that ferry very memorable and ever so merry. When you’re tired as sin and suddenly people offer you a room, it’s refreshing. Not sure what I’m writing, I’m about as inspired as an imbecilic imp instigating an incident that would end institutionalized.

The breakfast was great, I did a triple somersault swan dive into a big sauce pan of scrambled eggs, I yelled at my yogurt until it went in a steady stream down my throat. I coughed up my coffee while eating some delicious toffee. I slapped a sandwich around until it found it’s way into my stomach and puked in the bathroom while a 50 year old cleaning lady held my hair after a few plates of pancakes. I have a tin of peaches, I’d rather go fishing with a fresh pack of leeches. I like making websites and targeting lucrative niches while eating freshly baked quiches.

I have visions of maids from Moscow managing my affairs and street sweepers from Slovenia cleaning my patio. Polish princesses polishing my porsche while a Pakistani plunges my toilet in a top hat. Watching films with a 101f fever while eating the beaver and chopping chunks of ham with a meat clever. Going to sleep with one eye open to make sure a creep doesn’t seep into my sauna while  Canadian crazies crush beer cans on their concrete craniums while Panamanian expats proclaim blargh life from mountain peaks.

Behemoth bottles of booze seeping into the water supply making everyone loose, avoiding the hardware store and never learning how to tie a noose let alone buying a shotgun and hunting for a moose while eating pate from the exploded stomach of a goose. I will go to a cottage and eat some cheese, not the stuff found on many middle aged women above the knees and below the thighs, talk about some lows after the highs. I like whiskey and I like rye, I drink it with coke, the moment I woke and that is no joke. Say no to tie dye and the friendship of those who lie, you can bake a cake but I’d rather a pie in the sky.

I make no sense and that is the point, my legs are sore especially the knee joint. It’s fun to make no sense, to run up an expense and to drive by cathedrals and never repent. A snake in the grass is better than a knuckle covered in brass or listening on loop to a album from Everlast. I like house and I like techno, I used to have a job and never pulled a no show.

Riding the ferry was like popping a cherry, the whole experience could be deemed “merry”, better than a visit from the tooth ferry or watching a movie I’d consider “scary”. As a traveler you get weary, sometimes after a few drinks you get leary and other times act like a jerry. My board shorts were devoured by a moth, I’d rather wear silk boxers then a terry cloth, now drink more coffee and do some work, you $#$@ing sloth. I feel lost, or am I found? On the rebound or ready to watch the latest episode of Eastbound and Down?

From the dawn of time, people have eaten swine and guzzled great wine from a ripe vine. More gold has been mined from the minds of men then all the cash made from reproducing a chicken with a hen. I have no house and I have no shed, but on the streets of Vietnam I have bled. I’ve visited Lake Bled and never regret a syllable I have said. Rather speak my mind and have a cracked head then feel bored, disatisifed and emotionally dead, not the type that happens when your face meets hot lead.

Disregard every word I’ve said, now google a nice beach and book your next trip to club med. That or take your meds from the comfort of a mental hospital bed going over drama that doesn’t matter like “he said, she said”. The great debate of what is better, getting laid or getting paid? Who cares if you wake up to jumping jacks being performed by a French maid.

This update makes no sense, I pick up every bit of cash I see down to a few cents. Berlin had a weird vibe filled with androgynous hipster jive from people with hair styles that resembled a bee hive. I feel dead tired but really alive, I’d go for a surf if it wasn’t for the tide. Thus far, this trip has been sick, what a ridonkulous ride.

Go have some fun and do nothing or give 100%.

Mutual masturbation is the key to safe satisfaction. Better than abstinence or a flaming shot of absinthe.

I’d rather words than a gun, writing in rythme is random but fun.

Peace out from Helsinki, the cottage is calling.

P.S: People who often label things as weird are usually very boring.

Search Du Jour!?: “Berlin Hipster” – YES! – Result, here.

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