Going Home Humbled and Broke

Good day,

This is the last update of this blog. I have decided to go home and get a “real job”… Who was I kidding with this trip. I tried to make my way around the world but partied too much and am now left humiliated and most importantly, financially broke.

Not sure where I went wrong, everything was rolling until that 3-4 bucket a day habit / 60 cigarettes caught up with me. I am sick and tired, not just physically but mentally. I can’t take living here anymore and I dream of traffic jams, high taxes and most of all, a beloved 9-5. I love security and taking risks is just against my character.

When I read my old updates I say to myself “How could I have EVER written these lies, who am I and most importantly, I miss American Idol & Dancing With the Stars”. I miss lots of stuff from waiting in line for coffee, having salty jeans all winter, scraping my car off in a suit and then sitting on my a$$ for 8 hours while consuming ridiculous amounts of sugary drinks and working on carpal tunnel / diabetes simultaneously.

I hate it over here, I hate not being able to speak the language. I also hate the fact that I’ve spent every penny I ever made AND MORE. All my business are a failure, much like myself. I dunno, I just want to go home and “start fresh” with a room in my parents basement. I am going to follow my true passion in life, digging ditches and helping advance science through phase 1 clinical drug tests, part time. My friend said it’s sweet money despite losing his hair and coping with infertility.

I will take out a few more credit cards and fix my car before selling it and trading it for my preferred modes of transport. Those modes include but are not limited to a pogo stick, over-sized big wheels, skitching behind buses on a banana board and of course my trusty unicycle with matching spandex outfit, man that’s a sweet outfit, I hope I can still fit in it. It will be tight but so will my budget so I think it’s a perfect match.

I want to find a controlling wife, I have just signed up for every dating site I can find. My profile reads like this “I am humble, broke and looking to for an unfulfilling relationship with someone equally as uninspired as me”. I also added, I hope you don’t mind that I am “horizontally challenged”… The Doctor used the term “micro” but I think he was talking about economics as there was a copy of some Financial post in the room.

Wow, I mean, I’m just sorry for lying to all of you for so long, I have not met anyone cool on this trip, never had any fun, never had any chats or 5 course meals with lovely ladies. Instead I’ve been eating stale baguettes that I dip in rotten rat / fish head soup and eat in 5 bites as they are so small. I also need antibiotics again as a dog attacked me yesterday as I fought him for an old soggy salamander sandwich. Apart from that, I sit in my bed at night, crying while eating mayonnaise with a spoon. Man, I’m the biggest loser I’ve ever met and not in the weight way. I’m actually larger than ever.

The highlight of my trip was when I found a toad in the back of my hostel, boiled it and eat it. Turns out it was poisonous and my heart stopped. This lady was kind enough to give me CPR and you better believe I slipped her the tongue. Then I woke up with a black eye in the emergency room, if the lady who made my trip is reading this, I still care about you and thing we can work this out.

I only wear white t-shirts because it’s all I can afford, I also wear white briefs, well they were white for half of 2009. I walk the streets sometimes at night, filled with fright, scared of bitches that may bite. I had one “romance” on this trip, but she turned out to be a he, I met her/him at Nana Plaza in Bangkok and I *THOUGHT* it was true love, until I woke up with out my wallet and final shred of dignity. This was in January.

Since then I’ve just been maxing out credit card after credit card. I’m also ridiculously addicted to ketamine which I buy from the local drug store. Most of these stories have been written from inside a K hole, as opposed to exotic locations.

I’d keep writing but I have a jar of mayonnaise that is calling my name. It’s like “Hey Rob, eat me, eat me you $^%$^%$ pussy”. I will eat it with my hands as I lost my spoon, I think someone stole it as I’m in a 35 person dorm room sleeping in the draw of a dresser. Sometimes I talk to girls but they always yell “get away from me creep”. Now I just talk to bartenders while drinking sugary sodas and lead moto taxi drivers on for some companionship.

I’m sorry and this is the last update. I hope you enjoyed my fantasy more than I did.

Scratches lice from head while simultaneously itching bed bugs.

I will leave you with a “sick track” from my idols & soundtrack of my life.

Happy @3$#$ April Fools Day, feeling brave? Go tell your boss you quit and see what happens . Today was messed up, I’m in VISA H3LL and I’ll update it later.

Tips hat

9 Comments

  1. Mark Atkinson

    April 1, 2010 at 5:51 am

    Haha, maybe the post thus far! I could actually picture you sitting in some fly filled humid room scooping mayonnaise out with your bare hand – winnie the pooh style.

  2. KiDQUiCK

    April 1, 2010 at 9:09 am

    O_o

    Ahhh i get it now. Very creative. Happy Pranksgiving! 😀

    BTW: i quit my job! (seriously)

  3. jp

    April 1, 2010 at 9:49 am

    Happy april fool’s lloyd..i sincerly hope this is bullsh%t.
    AS much as id love to see you again soon..i hope not to see you right now

  4. Valentina

    April 1, 2010 at 10:38 am

    🙂 You´re the best!

  5. Fe

    April 1, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    I’m laughing so hard I’m crying…you’re such a…!!! But thanks for the April Fools treat and take care!

  6. Nathan

    April 1, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Boy I was scared there for a minute. The April Fool’s Day jokes always trick me.

  7. Bruce

    April 2, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Always knew your were Fly’s alter ego (the one who really wants to have fun inlife). Thats some funny stuff Rob. Glad to see your still having fun. By the way the Blog is pretty amazing.

    See ya

    Bruce

  8. Alyssa

    May 1, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    Hi Rob,

    Your Dad requested i checked out your site, pretty interesting. (though, i’ve just started on your April adventure) glad you’ve enjoyed Vietnam. I’ve been back ‘home’ twice. You’ve seemed to have much more fun than i did however. Love the blog, love the thoughts. (fooled me there for a moment w this entry… so much like your Dad) Enjoy China!

  9. JP

    April 1, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    Gotta love those old soggy salamander sandwiches and if you ask me : the slimier the better! I’m also really glad that toad didnt do you in so-to-speak and i must say : well-played on slipping the girl the tongue , a true gentleman to the end!

    All my best to you and Gertrude, i for one can<t wait to see a family portrait! Hope you achieve the heights of excellence that you strive for and if you ever need some extra coin just remeber, i could maybe sell you back your tv for say , 35$

    Keep on hanging tuff !

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